The Problem With UFO’s Congress debates the issue of Unidentified Flying Objects.

Home  »  Culture Wars  »  The Problem With UFO’s
Print This Post Print This Post
Jun 29, 2018 No Comments ›› admin

By Lynn Woolley

Editor’s note: This little short about UFO’s leads up to a pun, but I still think it’s kind of fun. I had almost forgotten about this story when I dug it out of the mothballs and reread it, amazed that issues I was writing about in the 70’s remain unresolved today. Thank God I was wrong about Puerto Rico! And Greenland!

“What did we call them back in the back in the Twentieth Century?” asked Senator Pasarell. “Flying saucers, wasn’t it?”

“That’s right, Senator. Flying saucers. UFO’s. Unidentified Flying Objects.” Committee Chairman Barnes glanced at the burly legislator from the state of Puerto Rico, and then added, “It’s too bad they didn’t remain unidentified.”

Stuart Smythe, the senator from California, shook his head from side to side as if to point out the enormity of the situation at hand. “Unfortunately, we know all too well what they are and how they came to be here. The problem has been with us for years, and it’s to the point that we must do something about it.”

Flying Saucer (

That’s what the committee meeting was all about. UFO’s – or rather the occupants of UFO’s – were almost a national crisis. The people of the United States, and even the President himself were pushing for answers.

Chairman Barnes did not seem optimistic as he called on Senator Smythe for a report. “Senator, I believe your staff has prepared some background on the problem before us. Why don’t you go ahead with that now?”

Smythe stood and carefully placed some notes onto a portable lectern. He studied the notes a moment, and then cleared his throat, before looking up at his fellow senators. “My report is brief, and familiar to most of you,” he said.

“In the year 1999, the first UFO landing was recorded in the Gobi Desert. The next year, the first landing in the United States occurred near Sacramento, California. In the years that followed, landings became more and more frequent all over the world, but soon they tapered off in most regions, concentrating on the United States.

“The occupants of the spacecraft were found to be humanoid in outer appearance with most internal organs homologous to those of Earthlings. Scientists were shocked to learn that the visitors were most often less intelligent than the average human being.

“Studies were made, financed both publicly and privately, in an attempt to learn where the UFO’s came from, and why they were landing on Earth. Although the aliens could communicate well enough with each other, their language formed an almost impenetrable barrier for those of us on Earth. Charts and diagrams inside the spacecraft were studied at length in an effort to decipher the language.

“In the meantime, those aliens that could be trained were adjusted to life on Earth. They were taught to work at unskilled jobs, to labor in factories, and to harvest crops. Before long, hundreds, then thousands, and finally millions were unofficial residents of the United States.

“The question remained – how could creatures of only medium intelligence construct the space vehicles that brought them to Earth? Finally, that question was solved, as the complicated alien language was unraveled.

“Records contained on many of the crafts revealed — once they were decoded – that the space visitors were the misfits – the mental retards – of a race light years away. It was decided that such misfits would do well to be among beings with intellects closer to their own. Their forms were altered into the shape of humans, and they were put into suspended animation for the long trip.

“The first groups began to arrive in the 1940’s and 1950’s, but the alien technology wasn’t exactly perfect. The ships were often seen, but a landing was never managed until the late 1990’s. It’s believed that those crafts that could not effect the landing either disintegrated into the atmosphere, or careened into space.”

Smythe sat down. Chairman Barnes thanked him for the report, and asked if there were any questions. There were none, so he turned to Senator Pasarell. “I believe you have the next report, Senator.”

“Mr. Chairman, my report concerns the current situation.” Pasarell reached for the lectern that Smythe had used, and plopped his reference material onto it.

“Fellow senators, as you are all quite aware, we still don’t know exactly where these spaceships are coming from. But we do know that the frequency of their arrivals is increasing almost daily. At last count, more than twenty million aliens are now living on Earth with a staggering 90 percent of that total right here in the United States. More than a million in Puerto Rico alone.” Pasarell paused as if conjuring up visions of his home state. Brewster, the senator from Texas, took advantage of the pause to get in a word.

“Imagine how many we have, being the third largest state behind Alaska and Greenland.”
Pasarell ignored the comment and continued his report.

“We’ve managed to train many of them, as Smythe said, to work in factories and on farms. But five million or so are on welfare, and more apply every day. We’ve got aliens on merchandise redemption stamps, aliens in the ghettos, aliens being educated (as much as possible) in our schools – minus the registration fees of course.

“Domestic unemployment is skyrocketing. Any time a computer isn’t knocking someone out of a job, an alien is. Teenagers are finding it impossible to get a part-time or summer job because an alien always seems to get there first. Part of the problem is that they do a job better and for less pay than most Earthlings will.

“The entire population is getting restless. The murder rate of aliens has quadrupled over the last five years, and now a vigilante group is threatening to patrol the upper atmosphere in sky-planes and laser-blast any alien ship that threatens to land. The Immigration Service is concerned about that.”

Pasarell sat down, and nodded hopefully to his comrades. The time had come for answers instead of reports. Finally, Brewster spoke up again.

“We had the same problem in Texas decades ago. Laws were strengthened, patrols were made, treaties were signed – but nothing seemed to work. I suppose the problem of illegal aliens will always be with us.”

The committee meeting continued and lasted well into the night.


© 2018 by Lynn Woolley. All rights reserved.

Tagged with: , , , , ,

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.

%d bloggers like this: